Love Your Children Through their ADHD Rather than Disciplining them Because of it

I am passionate about teaching others that ADHD can be a superpower when it is embraced rather than fought against. To embrace it though, you need to truly understand it. I also believe that ADHD is not necessarily a disorder - those of us with ADHD can actually thrive much better than others in certain environments. Our education and work systems were designed, however, with non-ADHD brains in mind. It is our job as parents to adapt to our children and teach them how to embrace and love themselves so that they can figure out the best way for them to thrive in the world as adults.

Unfortunately, discipline creates a fear-based dynamic between the parent and child which damages the child's self-worth and leads to life-long self-esteem issues. No matter how challenging a behavior might be, the best way to handle it is from a place of love and unconditional acceptance. Providing gentle guidance and redirecting the child is optimal. It requires patience because it won't necessarily result in an immediate relief of the situation, but healthy parenting is a long game.

I just shared with a patient earlier today that one of the best things we can do as parents is to accept that we do not have control over our children. I get it, this seems like a foreign concept, but the reality is, we don't have control. We haven't had control from the moment our child was conceived. We do have control over our own choices though and how we choose to guide our children. Discipline is a futile grasp at trying to take control over our child so that we can feel in control in order to ease our own anxiety/fear. However, this would just create the illusion of control.

Instead, lovingly guide your child away from inappropriate behaviors, whether that is leading them gently away with your hands or verbally guiding them, and when that doesn't work, remind them of any consequences you have already set for that sort of behavior.  

Whatever you do, children are not dogs - please avoid telling your child that they need to obey or "mind you."

To educate yourself thoroughly on ADHD and get a fantastic perspective on what it is like to have ADHD, I highly recommend Thriving with ADHD Workbook for Kids by Kellie Miller, LCSW. I even recommend this book to my adult patients.

For the most effective behavior management guide, I recommend 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas Phelan. While I'm not crazy about the use of the word discipline in the title, the book does provide a very effective framework for how to address concerning behaviors in children.